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Gen Z dating slang for keeping someone as a backup option
Benching is a dating behavior in which one person maintains intermittent contact with a romantic interest without committing to a relationship, keeping them available as a backup option.1 The term borrows from team sports, where a benched player sits on the sidelines and does not enter the game unless a starter is injured or removed.2 Psychology Today described it as keeping someone "as a back-up in dating because that person is interested in someone else."3
A person who benches someone sends occasional texts, memes, or social media interactions to maintain the other person's interest, but avoids making firm plans or defining the relationship.1 Licensed marriage and family therapist Claudia de Llano described it as "keeping a backup player on the sidelines, not letting them participate in the live action of one's life, but letting them think they are a part of it because they get a better seat than those in the bleachers."1
The benched person typically experiences sporadic communication: the bencher may disappear for days or weeks, then re-initiate contact without explanation.2 When plans are proposed, they tend to be vague ("we should hang out sometime") and often fall through at the last minute.2 Contact sometimes resumes specifically when the benched person begins dating others or signals they are moving on.2
One-sided availability is another sign: the benched person feels they are always accommodating the other person's schedule but never the reverse.6
Clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff has attributed the rise of benching to the proliferation of dating apps, which allow users to communicate with multiple potential partners simultaneously with minimal effort.1 A 2020 study cited by Verywell Mind found that social media and dating apps enable benching because sending an occasional text or reacting to a post requires little effort while keeping a person emotionally invested.1
The gamification of dating apps, where users swipe through profiles rapidly, has contributed to a pattern where people treat potential partners as interchangeable options.2 Choice paralysis from having access to many matches at once can lead users to keep several people on hold rather than commit to one.2
Benching differs from ghosting, in which a person cuts off all communication abruptly and permanently.1 A person who benches someone maintains sporadic contact and may return if other options do not work out; a person who ghosts disappears entirely.1 Euronews grouped benching alongside terms like "shrekking" (testing a partner's commitment by presenting oneself unfavorably) and "tarzan-ing" (swinging from one relationship to the next without a gap) in its 2025 glossary of modern dating terminology.5
Breadcrumbing is closely related to benching and sometimes used interchangeably. Both involve giving someone just enough attention to sustain their interest without commitment.1 Cushioning refers to maintaining backup romantic contacts while already in a relationship, as a hedge against a potential breakup.8
Benching has been described as potentially more harmful than ghosting because it keeps the other person in prolonged uncertainty rather than allowing them to move on.1
People who have been benched have reported feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and questioning their own worth.1 A 2020 study found that benched individuals reported unhappiness, loneliness, and helplessness.1
De Llano noted that being benched "can impact your self-esteem as well as your ability to date confidently and find a partner."1 Romanoff observed that people who are benched often blame themselves rather than recognizing that the other person's behavior reflects the other person's priorities, not their own value.1
Romanoff identified several factors that lead people to bench others: a fear of being alone that drives them to maintain multiple options, unrealistic expectations about partners that cause them to discard people at the first sign of imperfection, and stress or emotional unavailability that prevents commitment.1 Some individuals bench others unconsciously as an ego boost, using the knowledge that someone is waiting for them to manage insecurity.2
NDTV listed benching among the seven dating terms that defined online dating culture in 2024, alongside breadcrumbing, zombieing, love bombing, affordating, chameleoning, and sober dating.7 The Times of India included benching in its Gen Z dating dictionary alongside terms like soft-launching, orbiting, and situationships.4 Metro Mode Fashion described it as one of several terms that reflect how Gen Z communicates about romantic ambiguity differently from previous generations.8
Therapists advise direct communication as a first step. De Llano suggested saying: "Hey, I'm feeling like I'm on the sidelines at the moment, how do you feel about me and what are you looking for?"1 Romanoff recommended stating clearly what kind of relationship you want, and ending the connection if the other person's behavior does not change after that conversation.1
Setting a limit on how many chances to give is another common recommendation. If someone has canceled plans or gone silent repeatedly, continuing to wait is unlikely to produce a different outcome.2
Benching is a dating behavior in which one person maintains intermittent contact with a romantic interest without committing to a relationship, keeping them available as a backup option.1 The term borrows from team sports, where a benched player sits on the sidelines and does not enter the game unless a starter is injured or removed.2 Psychology Today described it as keeping someone "as a back-up in dating because that person is interested in someone else."3
A person who benches someone sends occasional texts, memes, or social media interactions to maintain the other person's interest, but avoids making firm plans or defining the relationship.1 Licensed marriage and family therapist Claudia de Llano described it as "keeping a backup player on the sidelines, not letting them participate in the live action of one's life, but letting them think they are a part of it because they get a better seat than those in the bleachers."1
The benched person typically experiences sporadic communication: the bencher may disappear for days or weeks, then re-initiate contact without explanation.2 When plans are proposed, they tend to be vague ("we should hang out sometime") and often fall through at the last minute.2 Contact sometimes resumes specifically when the benched person begins dating others or signals they are moving on.2
One-sided availability is another sign: the benched person feels they are always accommodating the other person's schedule but never the reverse.6
Clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff has attributed the rise of benching to the proliferation of dating apps, which allow users to communicate with multiple potential partners simultaneously with minimal effort.1 A 2020 study cited by Verywell Mind found that social media and dating apps enable benching because sending an occasional text or reacting to a post requires little effort while keeping a person emotionally invested.1
The gamification of dating apps, where users swipe through profiles rapidly, has contributed to a pattern where people treat potential partners as interchangeable options.2 Choice paralysis from having access to many matches at once can lead users to keep several people on hold rather than commit to one.2
Benching differs from ghosting, in which a person cuts off all communication abruptly and permanently.1 A person who benches someone maintains sporadic contact and may return if other options do not work out; a person who ghosts disappears entirely.1 Euronews grouped benching alongside terms like "shrekking" (testing a partner's commitment by presenting oneself unfavorably) and "tarzan-ing" (swinging from one relationship to the next without a gap) in its 2025 glossary of modern dating terminology.5
Breadcrumbing is closely related to benching and sometimes used interchangeably. Both involve giving someone just enough attention to sustain their interest without commitment.1 Cushioning refers to maintaining backup romantic contacts while already in a relationship, as a hedge against a potential breakup.8
Benching has been described as potentially more harmful than ghosting because it keeps the other person in prolonged uncertainty rather than allowing them to move on.1
People who have been benched have reported feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and questioning their own worth.1 A 2020 study found that benched individuals reported unhappiness, loneliness, and helplessness.1
De Llano noted that being benched "can impact your self-esteem as well as your ability to date confidently and find a partner."1 Romanoff observed that people who are benched often blame themselves rather than recognizing that the other person's behavior reflects the other person's priorities, not their own value.1
Romanoff identified several factors that lead people to bench others: a fear of being alone that drives them to maintain multiple options, unrealistic expectations about partners that cause them to discard people at the first sign of imperfection, and stress or emotional unavailability that prevents commitment.1 Some individuals bench others unconsciously as an ego boost, using the knowledge that someone is waiting for them to manage insecurity.2
NDTV listed benching among the seven dating terms that defined online dating culture in 2024, alongside breadcrumbing, zombieing, love bombing, affordating, chameleoning, and sober dating.7 The Times of India included benching in its Gen Z dating dictionary alongside terms like soft-launching, orbiting, and situationships.4 Metro Mode Fashion described it as one of several terms that reflect how Gen Z communicates about romantic ambiguity differently from previous generations.8
Therapists advise direct communication as a first step. De Llano suggested saying: "Hey, I'm feeling like I'm on the sidelines at the moment, how do you feel about me and what are you looking for?"1 Romanoff recommended stating clearly what kind of relationship you want, and ending the connection if the other person's behavior does not change after that conversation.1
Setting a limit on how many chances to give is another common recommendation. If someone has canceled plans or gone silent repeatedly, continuing to wait is unlikely to produce a different outcome.2
